WHAT TYPE OF GIRL IS YOUR FAVORITE NFL TEAM?
If NFL teams were girls, what type of girl would each one be? What would it be like to date that team/girl? : Let’s find out.
Ms. Saint is the girl you hookup with several times but never really date. Ideally, you two share an intense physical romance during the summer. You and her both know that it won’t last because the world is sure to lead you to a new town soon and she isn’t the type to bog down in a serious commitment anyway. Sometimes, being with her is so enthralling that you find yourself wishing it could last forever. But it can’t––plenty of guys have tried to take Ms. Saint down that road, and all limped back alone. She’s a lot of fun, but don’t expect more than a few big scores.
Ms. Packer is a farmer’s daughter type. She has adorable facial features and looks great in jeans. Her beauty tends to vacillate at times, with her “off days” usually being a result of her just not prioritizing things like makeup and “fancy clothes”. When she wants to, she cleans up extremely well. Perhaps most appealing about Ms. Packer is her pragmatic approach to life. She’s the kind of girl who has had some sort of small diner waitressing job every year since she was 11, and her honest dream is to be one of those at-home-super-mom’s who lives on a piece of open land with a barn. In order to date Ms. Packer, you must prove that you’re “a good man”.
Ms. Bill hates men. It didn’t use to be that way. But many years ago, she had a string of brutal heartbreaks. It was one guy right after the other. Her wounds turned to scars, and a lot of color in her life turned gray. Afraid of getting hurt again, Ms. Bill now toils in mediocrity. She’s not in great shape but could be. She lives alone and is very close to her pets. She fills her free time by going to movies with a few good lady friends, and she draws sympathy by taking care of her mother and father, who aren’t nearly as decrepit as she wished. Because she spends so much time helping her parents, she’s decided that her older sister is selfish and that she hates her. At the insistence of a few friends and coworkers, Ms. Bill goes out on a date every blue moon. But she refuses to give anything a chance. In a lot of ways, Ms. Bill has shut off society. And society hasn’t really noticed.
Ms. Raven is the über-aggressive woman whom liberals describe as independent and conservatives as bitchy. She’s constantly trying to show the world how empowered and in-control she is; anyone who doesn’t shrivel into meeting her demands will find themselves in an argument that usually includes her bobbing her head, rolling her eyes and gesticulating with only an index finger. You can date Ms. Raven if you’re willing to check your stones at the door.
Ms. Texan is the rare girl who doesn’t have any game. The discussions about her always end back at the juvenile, yet valid, question, Has she ever been kissed? Her friends respond defensively. Of course she’s been kissed! But the kiss was from some guy from out of state whom Ms. Texan briefly knew two summers ago. Ms. Texans’ friends are constantly trying to set her up. It’s often to no avail, which is surprising because, although Ms. Texan isn’t hot, she certainly isn’t ugly. And while her personality is somewhat timid, she’s by no means a stiff. Guys realize all this but still choose to abstain until she blossoms. But when will that be?
Ms. Raider is that super sexy, rough-around-the-edges girl with the notorious wild side. Her hair isn’t its natural color, her cleavage appears to have been sculpted by Michelangelo and her lower back is stamped with a half-visible tattoo. The second you see her, you want her. But by the next second, you’re smiling coyly and thinking, On second thought…looks like a blast, but probably too much for me. And you’re right. Ms. Raider is a better stripper than girlfriend. She’s always attracting large, surly alpha males (think Vin Diesel type). The ones who date her quickly learn to run because deep down, just like her mother, Ms. Raider is crazy as hell.
Ms. Patriot is the popular girl who knows she’s popular. She dresses well and exudes a reproachful arrogance. You know her name, but she probably doesn’t know yours. Don’t blame yourself––Ms. Patriot doesn’t know the name of anyone who isn’t a jock or prospective supermodel. It’s apparent even to the superficial minions who play the role of her closest friends that she’s a First Class Phony. But still, she’s hot, and she has an indefinable yet intriguing variation of whatever “It” is.
Ms. Colt is the cute, engaging girl from an ultra-religious family. She has thick, shiny hair and a slender bronze body. But most attractive are her bright eyes and big smile. She’s someone you would love to raise kids with. Problem is, she either doesn’t date, or she has a super serious boyfriend. (It’s one of the two extremes.) She seems lovely, but beneath the soft, kind surface are rigid core values. If your values somehow align with hers, you’re golden. You’ll date her, meet her parents and then, by the grace of God, rush into a marriage that makes your once-sinful hormones beautiful. But if your values don’t align with Ms. Colts’, then forget it.
Ms. Steeler is the cute girl who, when you first see, you think you’ll be the only one who finds her really attractive. But you eventually find out that just about everyone has deciphered this very same thing, thus making her a full-fledged diamond out of the rough. There’s a captivating ordinariness about Ms. Steeler’s beauty, augmented by some random characteristic like a really cute dimple or her sexiness in glasses. She’s a jock, but not the gross kind. Ms. Steeler is smart, fun-loving and comes from a good home. And she leads a refreshingly grounded life.
On the surface, Ms. Eagle is a lot like Ms. Steeler, only a little prettier. She’s great fun in a group, and her charisma gives her not just a lot of guy friends, but a lot of guy friends who secretly would drop everything and marry her. But sadly, Ms. Eagle has a way of always finding the terrible relationship. Every boyfriend she’s ever thought she loved has treated her like crap. The boyfriends who could have genuinely loved her were guys she never mustered much interest in. Everyone who knows Ms. Eagle thinks she deserves better. But those who know her really well think she’ll never be attracted to anyone better.
Ms. Cowboy is the drama queen. She puts out shamelessly and talks about falling in love on a second or third date. She loves messy breakups––both hers and everyone else’s. Her address book is full of old flames, all of which she goes back and fans periodically. Ms. Cowboy talks about big plans and life goals––travel, career, grad school, family, whatever––but never progresses towards any of them. Instead, she lives weekend to weekend. Everybody knows Ms. Cowboy, and plenty of people like her. But not many respect her.
For a long time, Ms. Giant was a daddy’s girl. Not the endearing type who one day cries when being walked down the aisle at her wedding; more the oppressed type who one day gets tired of the patriarch’s draconian rules and rebels by quitting college or getting a tattoo. But that all changed a few years ago. Remarkably, Ms. Giant’s father finally realized that his little girl is her own woman, and to save their relationship, he softened up. Since starting to live by her own values, Ms. Giant has experienced both exciting successes and earth-rumbling turmoil. She’s a woman trying to find herself.
Ms. Redskin is the spoiled rich brat. There’s not much difference between her and her precious poodle, Misty. Old money got her into schools she wasn’t qualified for, in front of people she had no business knowing and in situations beyond her realm of social grace. She does nothing with her opportunities, yet those opportunities show up without cessation. Things are never Ms. Redskin’s fault. You probably wouldn’t want to date her anyway, but just in case, know that she always has some pompous new boyfriend. He’s usually an Ivy league type who grows stubble beards, ignores the top two buttons on his dress shirts, fraternizes with sailboat owners and has a snazzy name like Jordan or Chad.
Ms. Lion is that girl you look at and then feel bad for chuckling about. You and your buddies talk about her often, but never with a remote sense of seriousness. She’s either a punch line or the subject of lighthearted ribbing amongst the fellas (a verbal noogie, if you will). It’s not like she isn’t a nice person, and it’s not like she doesn’t try. She’s constantly changing wardrobes and hairstyles. But, for whatever reason, none of it works. Still, Ms. Lion is someone you’ll know for the rest of your life because her family and your family are good friends who get together every Thanksgiving.
Ms. Bronco is the girl that just got out of a very serious relationship. It was one of those faultless breakups that shocks everyone except close friends and family. Now, single for the first time in ages, Ms. Bronco is attacking her fear of solitude by making drastic changes in her life. She’s cut her hair. She’s taking a break from her volunteer work to focus more on supposedly well-deserved “me time.” She’s laughing hard, though not in a genuine as much as in a paroxysmal way. No one is quite sure if Ms. Bronco’s new lease on life is healthy or harmful––and no one has the guts to try and find out.
Ms. Niner is the girl you see for the first time in years and wonder, What in the world happened?! She used to be so hot! Now, Ms. Niner has altered her appearance and looks like a victim of self-hatred. She’s by no means old, but you can already tell she doesn’t age well. Her new hairstyle leads you to believe that she might be a lesbian. You can’t tell by her outfit if she’s aiming for a grungy look or not. She could be a recovering Emo. Or drug addict. Because of all this, you can’t bring yourself to say hello. There’s just too many ways a “how have you been?” conversation could lead to paralyzing awkwardness.
Most people don’t know girls like Ms. Bengal––they only know of them. Ms. Bengal is the bad girl. Literally. She’s trouble. Her boyfriends are always in and out of jail. There are gobs of kids running around her place, half them hers that she’s had since she was a little girl. Her family tree is deprived of men and overflowing with angry women (mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers who are younger than most people’s regular grandmothers, you get the picture). The only time you’re ever really around Ms. Bengal is at the gas station. She’s the one buying cartons of cigarettes and not wearing shoes. You absolutely don’t consider dating Ms. Bengal––you’re pretty sure a date with her would carry an hourly charge.
Ms. Jaguar is the nice girl from a dysfunctional family. Both her parents have been divorced multiple times, and she has trouble keeping track of all her half-sisters and step-brothers. Given the domestic turmoil she’s endured, Ms. Jaguar is actually a very nice girl. Her optimistic attitude comes from “her grandmother on her mom’s side of the family,” with whom with she’s very close. You wouldn’t mind getting to know Ms. Jaguar, but unfortunately, that’s just not easy to do. She tends to go through highs and lows, the lows being particularly tough because having moved around so much as a child, she doesn’t have the most stable support system of friends.
Ms. Brown is the girl who leaves you driving home from a date dwelling on how much money you just spent. You only went out with her because her friends, and even a few of your friends, said she was awesome and that you two would be great together. But about halfway through dinner, you realized that this girl had absolutely nothing to say. You were the one doing most of the talking, and you weren’t sure if she was really listening and every word that she uttered was either some part of a bad cliché or a stepping stone to another spectacular statement of the obvious. “I don’t like green olives,” she had told you, immediately after ordering an entree and telling the waiter, No green olives. When you asked her why, she thought about it, and then replied, “I dunno….I guess I just don’t like the taste.”
What’s perplexing is how so many people claim the two of you would be great together. Friends even convince you that her dullness the first night was an aberrant case of nerves. Being the nice guy that you are, you give in and take her on a second date. Pretty soon, you’re driving home once again dwelling on wasted money. Ms. Brown is such a dud that you can’t even get frustrated with her; your frustration is reserved for the morons who set you up.| football dates, football girls, NFL humor, NFL women, women football