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August 18, 2009 by

If NFL teams were girls, what type of girl would each one be? What would it be like to date that team/girl? : Let’s find out.



Ms. Saint is the girl you hookup with several times but never really date. Ideally, you two share an intense physical romance during the summer. You and her both know that it won’t last because the world is sure to lead you to a new town soon and she isn’t the type to bog down in a serious commitment anyway. Sometimes, being with her is so enthralling that you find yourself wishing it could last forever. But it can’t––plenty of guys have tried to take Ms. Saint down that road, and all limped back alone. She’s a lot of fun, but don’t expect more than a few big scores.



Ms. Packer is a farmer’s daughter type. She has adorable facial features and looks great in jeans. Her beauty tends to vacillate at times, with her “off days” usually being a result of her just not prioritizing things like makeup and “fancy clothes”. When she wants to, she cleans up extremely well. Perhaps most appealing about Ms. Packer is her pragmatic approach to life. She’s the kind of girl who has had some sort of small diner waitressing job every year since she was 11, and her honest dream is to be one of those at-home-super-mom’s who lives on a piece of open land with a barn. In order to date Ms. Packer, you must prove that you’re “a good man”.



Ms. Bill hates men. It didn’t use to be that way. But many years ago, she had a string of brutal heartbreaks. It was one guy right after the other. Her wounds turned to scars, and a lot of color in her life turned gray. Afraid of getting hurt again, Ms. Bill now toils in mediocrity. She’s not in great shape but could be. She lives alone and is very close to her pets. She fills her free time by going to movies with a few good lady friends, and she draws sympathy by taking care of her mother and father, who aren’t nearly as decrepit as she wished. Because she spends so much time helping her parents, she’s decided that her older sister is selfish and that she hates her. At the insistence of a few friends and coworkers, Ms. Bill goes out on a date every blue moon. But she refuses to give anything a chance. In a lot of ways, Ms. Bill has shut off society. And society hasn’t really noticed.



Ms. Raven is the über-aggressive woman whom liberals describe as independent and conservatives as bitchy. She’s constantly trying to show the world how empowered and in-control she is; anyone who doesn’t shrivel into meeting her demands will find themselves in an argument that usually includes her bobbing her head, rolling her eyes and gesticulating with only an index finger. You can date Ms. Raven if you’re willing to check your stones at the door.



Ms. Texan is the rare girl who doesn’t have any game. The discussions about her always end back at the juvenile, yet valid, question, Has she ever been kissed? Her friends respond defensively. Of course she’s been kissed! But the kiss was from some guy from out of state whom Ms. Texan briefly knew two summers ago. Ms. Texans’ friends are constantly trying to set her up. It’s often to no avail, which is surprising because, although Ms. Texan isn’t hot, she certainly isn’t ugly. And while her personality is somewhat timid, she’s by no means a stiff. Guys realize all this but still choose to abstain until she blossoms. But when will that be?



Ms. Raider is that super sexy, rough-around-the-edges girl with the notorious wild side. Her hair isn’t its natural color, her cleavage appears to have been sculpted by Michelangelo and her lower back is stamped with a half-visible tattoo. The second you see her, you want her. But by the next second, you’re smiling coyly and thinking, On second thought…looks like a blast, but probably too much for me. And you’re right. Ms. Raider is a better stripper than girlfriend. She’s always attracting large, surly alpha males (think Vin Diesel type). The ones who date her quickly learn to run because deep down, just like her mother, Ms. Raider is crazy as hell.



Ms. Patriot is the popular girl who knows she’s popular. She dresses well and exudes a reproachful arrogance. You know her name, but she probably doesn’t know yours. Don’t blame yourself––Ms. Patriot doesn’t know the name of anyone who isn’t a jock or prospective supermodel. It’s apparent even to the superficial minions who play the role of her closest friends that she’s a First Class Phony. But still, she’s hot, and she has an indefinable yet intriguing variation of whatever “It” is.



Ms. Colt is the cute, engaging girl from an ultra-religious family. She has thick, shiny hair and a slender bronze body. But most attractive are her bright eyes and big smile. She’s someone you would love to raise kids with. Problem is, she either doesn’t date, or she has a super serious boyfriend. (It’s one of the two extremes.) She seems lovely, but beneath the soft, kind surface are rigid core values. If your values somehow align with hers, you’re golden. You’ll date her, meet her parents and then, by the grace of God, rush into a marriage that makes your once-sinful hormones beautiful. But if your values don’t align with Ms. Colts’, then forget it.



Ms. Steeler is the cute girl who, when you first see, you think you’ll be the only one who finds her really attractive. But you eventually find out that just about everyone has deciphered this very same thing, thus making her a full-fledged diamond out of the rough. There’s a captivating ordinariness about Ms. Steeler’s beauty, augmented by some random characteristic like a really cute dimple or her sexiness in glasses. She’s a jock, but not the gross kind. Ms. Steeler is smart, fun-loving and comes from a good home. And she leads a refreshingly grounded life.



On the surface, Ms. Eagle is a lot like Ms. Steeler, only a little prettier. She’s great fun in a group, and her charisma gives her not just a lot of guy friends, but a lot of guy friends who secretly would drop everything and marry her. But sadly, Ms. Eagle has a way of always finding the terrible relationship. Every boyfriend she’s ever thought she loved has treated her like crap. The boyfriends who could have genuinely loved her were guys she never mustered much interest in. Everyone who knows Ms. Eagle thinks she deserves better. But those who know her really well think she’ll never be attracted to anyone better.



Ms. Cowboy is the drama queen. She puts out shamelessly and talks about falling in love on a second or third date. She loves messy breakups––both hers and everyone else’s. Her address book is full of old flames, all of which she goes back and fans periodically. Ms. Cowboy talks about big plans and life goals––travel, career, grad school, family, whatever––but never progresses towards any of them. Instead, she lives weekend to weekend. Everybody knows Ms. Cowboy, and plenty of people like her. But not many respect her.



For a long time, Ms. Giant was a daddy’s girl. Not the endearing type who one day cries when being walked down the aisle at her wedding; more the oppressed type who one day gets tired of the patriarch’s draconian rules and rebels by quitting college or getting a tattoo. But that all changed a few years ago. Remarkably, Ms. Giant’s father finally realized that his little girl is her own woman, and to save their relationship, he softened up. Since starting to live by her own values, Ms. Giant has experienced both exciting successes and earth-rumbling turmoil. She’s a woman trying to find herself.



Ms. Redskin is the spoiled rich brat. There’s not much difference between her and her precious poodle, Misty. Old money got her into schools she wasn’t qualified for, in front of people she had no business knowing and in situations beyond her realm of social grace. She does nothing with her opportunities, yet those opportunities show up without cessation. Things are never Ms. Redskin’s fault. You probably wouldn’t want to date her anyway, but just in case, know that she always has some pompous new boyfriend. He’s usually an Ivy league type who grows stubble beards, ignores the top two buttons on his dress shirts, fraternizes with sailboat owners and has a snazzy name like Jordan or Chad.



Ms. Lion is that girl you look at and then feel bad for chuckling about. You and your buddies talk about her often, but never with a remote sense of seriousness. She’s either a punch line or the subject of lighthearted ribbing amongst the fellas (a verbal noogie, if you will). It’s not like she isn’t a nice person, and it’s not like she doesn’t try. She’s constantly changing wardrobes and hairstyles. But, for whatever reason, none of it works. Still, Ms. Lion is someone you’ll know for the rest of your life because her family and your family are good friends who get together every Thanksgiving.



Ms. Bronco is the girl that just got out of a very serious relationship. It was one of those faultless breakups that shocks everyone except close friends and family. Now, single for the first time in ages, Ms. Bronco is attacking her fear of solitude by making drastic changes in her life. She’s cut her hair. She’s taking a break from her volunteer work to focus more on supposedly well-deserved “me time.” She’s laughing hard, though not in a genuine as much as in a paroxysmal way. No one is quite sure if Ms. Bronco’s new lease on life is healthy or harmful––and no one has the guts to try and find out.



Ms. Niner is the girl you see for the first time in years and wonder, What in the world happened?! She used to be so hot! Now, Ms. Niner has altered her appearance and looks like a victim of self-hatred. She’s by no means old, but you can already tell she doesn’t age well. Her new hairstyle leads you to believe that she might be a lesbian. You can’t tell by her outfit if she’s aiming for a grungy look or not. She could be a recovering Emo. Or drug addict. Because of all this, you can’t bring yourself to say hello. There’s just too many ways a “how have you been?” conversation could lead to paralyzing awkwardness.



Most people don’t know girls like Ms. Bengal––they only know of them. Ms. Bengal is the bad girl. Literally. She’s trouble. Her boyfriends are always in and out of jail. There are gobs of kids running around her place, half them hers that she’s had since she was a little girl. Her family tree is deprived of men and overflowing with angry women (mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers who are younger than most people’s regular grandmothers, you get the picture). The only time you’re ever really around Ms. Bengal is at the gas station. She’s the one buying cartons of cigarettes and not wearing shoes. You absolutely don’t consider dating Ms. Bengal––you’re pretty sure a date with her would carry an hourly charge.



Ms. Jaguar is the nice girl from a dysfunctional family. Both her parents have been divorced multiple times, and she has trouble keeping track of all her half-sisters and step-brothers. Given the domestic turmoil she’s endured, Ms. Jaguar is actually a very nice girl. Her optimistic attitude comes from “her grandmother on her mom’s side of the family,” with whom with she’s very close. You wouldn’t mind getting to know Ms. Jaguar, but unfortunately, that’s just not easy to do. She tends to go through highs and lows, the lows being particularly tough because having moved around so much as a child, she doesn’t have the most stable support system of friends.



Ms. Brown is the girl who leaves you driving home from a date dwelling on how much money you just spent. You only went out with her because her friends, and even a few of your friends, said she was awesome and that you two would be great together. But about halfway through dinner, you realized that this girl had absolutely nothing to say. You were the one doing most of the talking, and you weren’t sure if she was really listening and every word that she uttered was either some part of a bad cliché or a stepping stone to another spectacular statement of the obvious. “I don’t like green olives,” she had told you, immediately after ordering an entree and telling the waiter, No green olives. When you asked her why, she thought about it, and then replied, “I dunno….I guess I just don’t like the taste.”

What’s perplexing is how so many people claim the two of you would be great together. Friends even convince you that her dullness the first night was an aberrant case of nerves. Being the nice guy that you are, you give in and take her on a second date. Pretty soon, you’re driving home once again dwelling on wasted money. Ms. Brown is such a dud that you can’t even get frustrated with her; your frustration is reserved for the morons who set you up.

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    | football dates, football girls, NFL humor, NFL women, women football


    • Mike Neilson says:

      Awesome article. Personally I am a Ms. Colt kind of girl.

      However, there is also the Ms. Buccaneers Girl. She desperatly wants to be like Ms. Raider but just doesn’t have it in her. While she may try for a while, she soon realizes who she is and falls back into reality. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but she has to re-vamp herself. Shes not a big spender, but when she does go shopping she buys the 200$ wall decoration just to get ride of the perfectly fine $50 one. It has no practical purpose and the man is left scratching his head and just saying “Yes, Dear.” You may see this woman trading in her Cadillac (which is worn in, comfortable and still very practical) for a Corvette without an engine. While it has all the potential to be a quick car, for now it is going nowhere fast. She is easy to date, but definitely not the type of girl you are going to marry. You want flash, charm and a “trophy wife.” She is just the girl next door.

    • Mike Neilson says:

      And when I say I am a Ms. Colt kind of girl, please don’t get the wrong idea. It was just a typo. I am a Ms.Colt kind of GUY.

    • k says:


      But I figured Patriots girl would either be what you described, or a completely evil nerd, with a little bit of hotness.

    • it’s not suitable for girls to play such violent game.

    • jason says:

      These were all awesome… the ones that you did, anyway. There were some teams left off that I would like to meet ;)

    • rich n says:

      Very good. Who did the artwork, it’s great? And we need a Jets girl.

    • tj says:

      Ms Vikings has been in many of her friends weddings but never been to the alter herself. She desperately wants to get that ring on her finger & will settle for just about any man who will say “I do”. Currently she is dating a guy almost twice her age hoping he is the one. You know the guy… Married once, charming, been through a messy rebound relationship & almost old enough to be her daddy.

    • billy k says:

      Oh yea… a good home??? …And then Steeler girl whacks you with a tire iron when your not looking and shows her big ugly teeth just to say “no hard feelings!” But look at her wrong and 50,000 people start waving there own stupid penalty flags in the stands saying “oh lord! there’s ill will towards my baby! Someone please throw the flag!””

    • classic forever says:

      I guess NFL Touchdown would be the type of person who likes to stereotype and sexualize women. Real progressive there.

    • kelly says:

      sorry…born and raised a Packer fan in Chicago…..where I might be as congenial as that stereo type,…simiarities end there….last thing I ever wanted was to stay home….own my own salon…GO PACKERS

    • kelly says:

      ahhh TJ your so right, always bridesmaid, never the bride…nothing worse than that, well, except for Mr. Viking…..really wanting the bride, you know, that girl from WI, but she moved on….younger, smarter, decision making guy….something to be said for that

    • Tony says:

      Seahawk Girl
      She lives miles from civilazation
      You meet her and think she’s the one
      You meet her family and thier very loud
      once you get to know her she’s a disapointment
      She will never marry, She almost did once and it ended in dissapointment.
      This girl is a victim and will spend her life isolated and lonely

    • Andy says:

      Haha this is great…when I first read the title I had an idea for the Dallas Cowboys and you wrote it exactly as I would have


    • tj says:

      Holy Cow! I dated Seahawks girl! lol

    • Sean says:

      Great job – you nailed each team perfectly!

    • Larry says:

      Great stuff.

      Here are the Rams and Chiefs girls since I live in Missouri.


      Ms Rams was the head Cheerleader and Prom Queen back in high school. She got knocked up on Prom night and now has had 3 kids outside of marriage. She still talks about her golden years of high school while working for just above minimum wage. She is only 25 years old but looks like she is in her 40s. Her parents have to help her out and watch the kids while she parties on the weekend.


      Ms Chiefs is extremely intense no matter what she does. She is a very black and white thinker. She loves you when you are in sync with her but if you disagree with her, she hates you. When a guy breaks up with her, he is evil. When she grows tried of a guy, it is nothing personal but she will always talk bad about him to her friends.

    • qwe says:

      Falcon girls
      Ms. Falcon was is the ghetto fabulous type. She is always loud and overly dramatic. They are the first one to start a fight like she is a bullt. She has great physical features but for the quiet type guy she is not the one for you. She will man-handle you and your emotions and leave you on the side of the road with know money because you didn’t sign a prenup and you have other child support bills.

    • Joe Y says:

      Dolphin girl

      Ms. Dolphin is from an old, successful family–in fact, a little too successful: She’s always a little tense, worried if she’s measuring up to her ancestors’ success, and a little frantic, because she knows it’s almost impossible.She has many accomplishments, but never enough of them.

      You’ll enjoy dating her, for awhile, because she’s a lot of fun, always up for trying something new and very loyal and affectionate. At a certain point, though, you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to spend the rest of your life aspiring to reach the very pinnacle of accomplishment. You don’t have to achieve it, but you’d better come close and NEVER stop trying,

    • joer says:

      what about the bears??? haha

    • Danny says:

      More Cowboy haters! It is amazing how jealous people are of the Cowboys.

    • Bob says:

      Now why on earth would a Steelers fan be jealous of the Cowboys?! I’m a Giants fan myself and I’m DAMN GLAD that I’m not a Cowboys fan. They’re nothing more than the NFC’s version of the Raiders! LOL

    • Ryan says:

      Everyone hates the cowboys because they will do what it takes to win. They want Super Bowls, not playoff appearances. Other NFL fans want to be Cowboys fan but are too much of pussies to do it because of what othe people think. That’s unfortunate.

    • Joe says:

      I also love how all the girls appear to be white, when a 2007 study reported that 66% of NFL players were African-American.

    • Greg says:

      Ms. Bear-

      Right off Ms. Bear makes you worried. She’s a friends cousin or someone eHarmony picked for you, but really? Is it because you both shave the same amount of facial hair a day? She may have some talent or look you find appealing that gives you hope, but it keeps getting over shadowed by her sailors mouth or the way she keeps challenging men to beer chugging contests. Ms. Bear is smart about what’s in her field, but about anything else has no clue. Not that she won’t find the most inappropiate topics of conversation, especially in front of your mother. In the end, you’ll slink away without leaving a forwarding address.

    • Bill says:


      Ms. Carolina is honest, organised and hard working. She is interested in religion, but knows her own mind. Ms. Carolina looks for a man who is solid citizen, prepared to graft, looks are of importance, but no arrogant man need apply. She can lack in confidence though, and sometimes would sacrifice high achievement for a steady predictable existence.

    • WHO DEY says:

      You all really wanna date Ms Bengal because she’ll kick your ass, your brothers ass then laugh at all of you for getting your asses kicked by a girl. The rest of you are prissy little bitches LOL

    • […] of girl would each one be? What would it be like to date that team/girl? : Let’s find out. [via] Posted in Stuff Tags: funny, tebow « Week 2: Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals […]

    • max says:

      cargers girls ughh ughh

    • max says:

      raiders exy

    • R.J. Jeane says:

      I’m a Ms. Colts girl who is a fan of the Saints and the Raiders. How weird/ironic is that?!

    • I am a Bucs fan. I am interested in Geno Hayes’ career. He is from the sme small town I am from (Greenville, FL) I live in St. Petersburg now.

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