Humor: An NFL Party
Hey, welcome to our NFL party. Glad you could make it. Before we check out the pool and patio, let me show you around. You thirsty? Rex Ryan is mixing drinks; practically everyone here has taken a shot from the guy. Ryan’s already declared himself to be the life of the party — the “all-time life of the party,” in fact.
But if you ask me, I’d say so far it’s been Chad Ochocinco. He moved the furniture to create a dance floor and cut the rug for a good 45 minutes. I thought he’d go the whole night, but the music stopped when Darrelle Revis arrived. In fact, I haven’t seen Ochocinco since.
Anyway, follow me. I realize you don’t know a lot of people here; I’ll give you the rundown.
This is the kitchen. The guy pulling the meatballs out of the oven is Jim Caldwell. The meatballs are Bill Polian’s recipe. And Peyton Manning is the one who made them. Caldwell’s just serving them. The guys at the counter looking awkward together are Dez Bryant, Roy Williams and Patrick Crayton. The guy in the jumpsuit who’s wrist-deep in the bowl of mixed nuts is Al Davis.
That Mercedes Benz you saw blocking the driveway belongs to Dan Snyder. He’s the one leaning up against the fridge, half-listening to Art Rooney II. This is a casual gathering, but Snyder brought two bottles of Chateau Petrus. Said he got them on his visit to Pomerol.
Hate to say it, but the wine tastes corked. Either that or the bottles had been opened awhile ago.
Moving on. Watch your step down the hall – Terrell Owens tracked crap all over. The second door on the left is where you can change into your swimsuit. This is also the room that Jay Cutler locked himself in for the whole night last year. Apparently he was upset. Josh McDaniels pounded on the door for 45 minutes. Pat Bowlen even slipped a note under the crack. No one could get to him. After everyone left, Cutler hitched a ride home with Lovie Smith. Cutler’s coming this year, but he’ll probably be late (he’s been known to go to the wrong address sometimes).
This is the living room. You can see where Ochocinco moved the furniture. The guy on the couch is Tom Coughlin. He thought it’d be polite to show up early. But all he did was compel the hosts to make small talk while getting ready. O.K., don’t look right away, be casual, but across the room, to Coughlin’s left, you can see that Casey Hampton has no idea there’s a slab of mustard on his cheek.
Oh, and look there. Adrian Peterson just dropped his drink. Second time tonight! I bet….yep! – there’s Jared Allen cleaning it up. And look, Brad Childress is getting Peterson another glass.
Forgot to mention, Childress’s quarterback will be here tonight. He wasn’t sure if he’d show, but I just heard he texted someone saying he was coming. Someone else said they actually saw him playing beer pong at a high school party earlier tonight. They said he seemed to be having fun and looked ready to join the adults. I don’t know, maybe you don’t care. But I thought I’d mention it because every year, no matter how apathetic people claim to be about his presence, it’s still all anyone talks about.
Let’s see….do you know everyone else in this room? How about the ladies? The one with the Brazilian accent is here with Tom Brady.
Reggie Bush and his girlfriend are back together again – you see her?
Long black hair? Lips like two ripe strawberries? The curvy one who, from the side, kinda looks like an ampersand only with legs and a head? That’s her. The lady you saw earlier was Shawne Merriman’s ex-girlfriend. It’s all easy to confuse, I know.
Over by the cold cuts, you won’t believe this, but the lady talking to Jeff Ireland is actually Dez Bryant’s mom. (She says her partying days are over – she’s just here with her son.) Ireland and the Bryant family seem to have patched things up, though Ms. Bryant did look a little puzzled when Ireland asked her if she liked prosciutto.
The guy who’s working the room and calling everyone “slick” and “chief” is Drew Rosenhaus. Santonio Holmes is the one sitting in the recliner listening to his iPod. You can say hello – he’s wearing the earplugs but swears the thing is turned off.
The guy who walked by a second ago ignoring your eye contact was Bill Belichick. The man right before him was Bill Parcells. I was thinking another coaching Bill would be here – Bill Cowher – but I guess he once again decided to stay home and play video games with his roommates. It’s crazy – all those guys do is hangout at the CBS apartments down on 12th and Eastern Avenue. I’ve met the roommates.
They’re all right. But frankly, I have no idea how Cowher handles the constant goofing and banter.
All right, anything else here? Oh, real quick, before we go outside….
The guy reading comics is Brandon Marshall. The guy Marshall gave a noogie to a minute ago was Tony Sparano. Oh, and it looks like Cutler’s here now. He’s the one in the corner injecting himself with a syringe. It’s insulin for his diab….oh wait, never mind. That’s actually Brian Cushing.
I think that’s everyone for inside. Or at least everyone I know. All these other people must be with the Jaguars or Bills. Come on, let’s check outside — I hear Tebow is done with the baptisms, and the pool is now open for general use.
You can see that Roger Goodell took the seat near the diving board.
It’s where the head lifeguard sits. He wants this party to be held in Siberia in 2014, but everyone agreed he had to be joking….right? You think he’s joking? The guy standing next to Goodell is Ed Hochuli. Great guy.
And, obviously, in that Speedo you can see he stays in shape. That said, I’d avoid getting into a conversation with Ed – he’ll talk your ear off.
Those kids in the pool playing Marco Polo belong to Antonio Cromartie.
Yep, all of them. The pasty guy swimming like a drowning horse is Jake Delhomme. He splashes everywhere, can barely stay above water, but boy, he sure is gritty.
We think that lifeless body at the bottom of the pool is Daunte Culpepper. A few people have said it’s Larry Johnson, but that can’t be. If it were Johnson, it would have been there last year. We’re almost certain it’s Culpepper. I guess someone should probably check. No rush, though – the thing hasn’t moved in six months.
The guy asleep in the lawn chair near the edge of the pool is JaMarcus Russell. He wasn’t invited, but I hear he lounges in this spot five, six days a week.
Over there, directly under Shaun Rogers, is a hot tub. Just take my word for it. Usually it’s a Bengal sitting in hot water. Or, lately, a Steeler. Today, I guess it’s a Brown.
Mark Brunell and Chad Pennington are playing croquet in the yard. Behind them, you might think the guy Jerry Jones is talking to is Alex Rodriguez. It’s actually Miles Austin. Oh, and the guy holding the door for Aaron Rodgers is not Jack Black (Black is at Tony Romo’s party in Hollywood tonight). This guy is Packers lineman Mark Tauscher.
If you’re hungry, there’s barbecue. Bob Costas is doing the grilling.
Jay Glazer is chatting up Eric Mangini. Earlier he was asking him what was on his burger. All Mangini would tell him was meat. Glazer asked about the vegetables and sauces, but all Mangini would acknowledge was the meat.
Wouldn’t talk about how the meat was cooked or what kind of buns or anything. Just said his burger had meat. By the way, did you know Mangini was the one who called the cops about the noise at Belichick’s party a few years ago?
Anyway, go ahead and mingle – make yourself at home. Looks like just about everyone’s here. The only usual suspect who’s isn’t coming this year is Ben Roethlisberger. This party is just fun and light-hearted, you know? I think people decided that inviting Big Ben might be taking things too far. Maybe next year for Big Ben….if there even is a party next year.
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