The FODAFST: The Female Observing & Dating Football Scouting Translator
EVERY MAN’S PREVENT DEFENSE — THIRD EDITION
The FODAFST: The Female Observing & Dating Football Scouting Translator
When it comes to dating, my success rate is well below the Mendoza line. Earlier this year I met a girl at the gym. She had a darling southern accent and an energetic outlook on life. When we went out later that week, her accent shifted from southern bell to a Dixieland hick. Her outlook on life remained energetic…she just chose to put that energy into talking endlessly about her abhorrence for every person who had ever done her wrong. One of those wrongdoers was, of course, the ex-boyfriend that she was still living with.
The next girl I dated taught me how to knit. That was as exciting as it got. I took her to see the Blue Man Group on our second date (I now must publish two more books to recover the cost on those tickets). Driving home from the concert that night, it dawned on me that the Blue Man Group had had more to say than she did.
My most recent date was with a cute and, frankly, very sexy girl who told me all about her Christmas Eve tradition of getting absolutely plastered at her dad’s company party. Far be it for me to judge anyone’s religious celebrations, but I just had a hard time seeing myself bringing this girl home to Mom. Especially around the holidays.
The sad part to all this is that I’m having the best dating year of my life. I feel like the Detroit Lions bragging about their high-ranked pass offense.
What I’m getting is this: driving home from my date with the gorgeous Christmas drunk, I thought to myself, There just has to be a better way. The world cannot possibly be set up for people to disconnect with the opposite sex so magnificently. If it were, our specie would have gone extinct before Homo erectus.
Still, I imagine more men than not can relate to the kind of dreadful dates that I have endured. Realizing that me and people like me are not unlucky but, more likely, just unclear when it comes to evaluating girls, I decided to create the FODAFST: the Female Observing & Dating Football Scouting Translator.
Simply put, I understand football well enough to analyze it astutely. I don’t understand girls well enough to date them astutely. Logically, I reasoned, if I could just find a way to take what I see in girls and translate it into football terms, I’d have an outside shot at recognizing which ones to date. Perhaps I’d even find the girl of my dreams. At the very least, I would avoid the next girl of my nightmares.
The FODAFST puts you in the role of a dating GM. It is still a work in progress. Currently, it’s only function is to properly classify girls. By this time next year, my hope is that it will be developed enough to pick aces out of a deck of girls.
The FODAFST can be used on two metaphorical fronts: free agency and the draft. By free agent I mean a girl who can give you a good one-nighter without forcing you to take out a second mortgage for dinner and a show; by draft I mean a girl who can complete you in a long-term relationship. Naturally, free agency offers instant payoffs but much greater risks (like everything else, the FODAFST does not protect against STDs). If you use the FODAFST as a drafting tool, you may get burned in the long run, but you also may just find your future wife.
Personally, I would eschew free agency and only use the FODAFST for drafting purposes (I’m like the Colts in this sense). But however you use it, the translations are the same.
With that, I present the FODAFST. Gentlemen, no need to thank me.
Cover 2 Cornerback
Cover 2 Cornerbacks are a dime a doze. They’re attractive because they’re usually surrounded by better players, and they’re confined to a simple system that highlights big plays.
A Cover 2 Cornerback is the girl who watches reality TV, listens to bands like Dave Mathews or Nickelback and works food service jobs during the week in order to pay for her partying escapades with friends on weekends. She wears flip-flops with her jeans, sweatpants before noon, and she styles her hair exactly the way you’d expect her to style her hair.
The girl laughs at what’s funny, and what’s funny to her is always what’s obvious and outrageous. Or crazy. Or awesome. Or random. The phrase Oh my gosh is usually incorporated into her laugh, and the descriptive adjective “so” is ingrained in her lexis (example: “That is so random…hahah,” or, “Oh my gosh, it was so awesome…haha”).
There’s nothing wrong with a Cover 2 Cornerback, but there’s nothing inherently right with one either. She can make a great free agent acquisition, but in order for her to be considered a viable future wife, she must be able to work in a different system. And what do we know about Cover 2 cornerbacks? Very rarely do they thrive in other systems (see Jason David).
3-4 Outside Linebackers
The 3-4 Outside Linebacker is the girl who finally discovers herself after spending most of her life being forced to play out of position. It isn’t until she fails spectacularly in mainstream culture (think the conservative Christian family’s little sweetheart getting pregnant her senior year of high school, or the upper-middle class family’s brilliant honor roll girl quitting college as a freshman) before she discovers what she believes to be her true identity. She’s appealing because her perceived independence makes her a reckless, aggressive blitzer. She doesn’t care what kind of protection the quarterback has – she just wants to record a sack.
This girl is also a fun free agent signing, but ask her to drop back into coverage and raise kids, or shed blocks and build a career, and you’ll quickly see the emotional fragility that caused her to fail as an undersized defensive end.
The Run-Stopping Safety – aka The Eighth Man in the Box – is not a twentysomething-year-old girl, but rather, a thirtysomething-year-old woman. She feels older than she is, and she ostensibly would choose a miserable marriage over a miserable single life.
She operates near the line of scrimmage because a.) she can’t make plays in deep coverage like all the other gorgeous, married safeties out there and b.) she, in the past, has been run over by men from opposing offenses, so to stop the trauma she slides down in the box and desperately attacks.
This woman’s goal is to stymie your march through this world by putting you in a third-and-long situation, where you’ll be told to work fewer hours, hang out with your buddies less often and get serious about punting your life away to her.
The Power Running Back
Ninety nine percent of Power Running Backs come from an ultra religious family. This is the girl that bruises and grinds as she slowly matriculates downfield. Her journey is rigorous…after all, she’s carrying around the weight of God’s wrath. Most of that weight can actually be seen in her loaded eyes, which, you notice, are often fixated on you. The girl’s piercing stares are what helps turn the rigid gears in her head that she uses to judge and critique your righteousness.
Try to get this girl to mix up her style by maybe bouncing it outside once in awhile, and all you get is someone more committed to running behind the fullback that is her bible.
Ultimately, this girls does believe in scoring, but only if you give her a guaranteed contract.
You’ve maybe heard about the Third-Down Back before. In many circles, this girl is known as a Slump Buster. You bring the Third-Down Back in when life has pushed you so hard up against the wall that you’re just ready to punt and start fresh. Most often, your third-and-long situation results from you coming off a bad breakup. But you can also find yourself in third-and-long after moving to a new town, or starting at a new school or workplace.
You don’t expect this girl to be anything special (if she were, she’d be starting for someone) but you figure you can give her the ball on a draw or screen and let her get a cheap 10 yards, putting you in a better position for the next girl. Are you manipulating the Third-Down Back? No sir – you’re helping her pad stats that she otherwise would have no chance of ever obtaining.
Spread Offense Quarterback
Simply put, the Spread Offense Quarterback is a slut. She dazzles with her attractiveness, but she’s only attractive because she operates in a system that allows her to spread her legs…err, the ball, to a host of different soft-handed players. The Spread Offense Quarterback knows only one speed: fast. And, regardless of the situation, she has only two objectives: to score, and then score again (preferably with someone else).
At the start of free agency, this girl seems like a dream come true. But if your mission is to win a Super Bowl, you may want to look elsewhere. It has been proven time and again that when life’s playoff season comes around and the weather turns wet and cold, and opposing defenses bog down, the Spread Offense Quarterback will flounder and break your heart.
Blocking Tight End
The Blocking Tight End is the girl who is funny, smart, ambitious and kind. She is everything you want in a friend. But that’s all you want: her friendship. She’s not pretty enough for you to throw the ball to, which is why she’ll always just be the rock that you bring off the bench in situations where you need just enough emotional support to gain a few tough yards.
Would the Blocking Tight End ever want to be a starter and catch passes? Doesn’t matter – you’ve never asked because you know she lacks the athleticism to do it anyway.
The Blocking Tight End is valuable, so she’ll always be welcomed on someone’s team (ala Dan Campbell or Kyle Brady), but only in a backup role. Her sex appeal is so limited that when starting tight ends get hurt, a more athletic but less experienced No. 3 tight end will usually be inserted ahead of her.
This is the girl that every guy would love to have enough fortitude to verbally dismantle. The Return Specialist always grades high on the eyeball test. She has a great body, exhibits great personal features (perhaps something like dance skills or her sense of fashion) and is a threat to give you a big play every time she touches the ball.
When you take her out, you take a serious salary cap hit, but you feel great because you truly have a fun time. The two of you laugh and visit and, in your mind, break ground on what could be a deep connection. Part of you buzzes just thinking about her afterward, for she seems special enough to not only insert as a receiver in your offense, but perhaps to build your game plan around.
You call the Return Specialist a few days after your date and feel nervous waiting for her to answer. When she doesn’t, you go to feeling eager for her to return your voicemail. After a day goes by, your eagerness becomes anxiousness. After two days, it becomes uncertainty. Then skepticism. Then doubt. After about five or six days, you’re feeling downright crappy.
Upon realizing that you’re never going to hear from this girl again, you begin to question your own offense. If your mind weren’t so naturally discombobulated from thinking about this girl, you’d realize that what you should really be questioning is her character. But the memory of her beauty and charm somehow overshadows her inconsiderate rudeness, which is why you’ll naively believe that the next Return Specialist can actually be a solid wide receiver for you as well.
You usually do wind up seeing this girl again – when she’s returning kicks for another team.
No. 1 Wide Receiver
Toby Keith wrote the song I Wanna Talk About Me in response to girls like the No. 1 Wide Receiver. You go on a date with this girls and she loves to tell you exactly what kind of person she is. She might describe herself as strong-minded or opinionated, which you recognize as euphemisms for loud and ignorant. Or, she might say something like how she’s easygoing, which is strange because anyone who actually is easygoing doesn’t have to declare it.
Your subconscious knows full well that if there was anything remotely interesting about this girl, she would have told you by now. Because you’re out with her, stuck in the situation, you can only listen, nod your head like a damn wee-man and feign curiosity. You can almost physically feel your self-respect slipping away as you throw this girl more questions so that she can continue to demand the ball and thump her chest (which, by the way, if big enough, could actually inspire you to go out and endure this nonsense again).
The Journeyman Kicker has been around the block, not because she is promiscuous but because she consistently collapses under pressure in her relationships. She almost always has multiple divorces to her name and any success that she has had in the past has been overshadowed by the ugliness of the breakup.
You bring her in because you figure you’re just one key piece away from solidifying your life. In the back of your mind, you know that if she were any good, she wouldn’t have been sitting on the open market. Still, you convince yourself that she just needs a positive change in her life, and you’re perfectly equipped to be that change.
If you’re lucky, you’ll notice her flaws on the simple early dates in practice and release her before she costs you a close game when it counts.
This is the girl that is pretty, smart, fun and engaging. You feel that your personalities click, mainly because, well, how could they not? On the early dates, saying goodbye at the end of the night is always awkward because your burning desire to see her again gives you a staunch determination to finish the game on a good note. Part of you wants the Franchise Quarterback to spike the ball, kill the clock and help you try to score before it’s all over. But deep down, your soul wants to build a winning relationship with the possible mate. This is why you smile graciously when she kneels on the ball and says goodnight with a light hug. When you walk back to the locker room – alone – you kick yourself for not finding a way to have at least gotten out of bounds one more time.
Needless to say, Franchise Quarterbacks are incredibly rare. And, as history shows, when you invest in the wrong one (see Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch, Akili Smith or Cade McNown) the consequences can be excruciatingly painful. But still, you search for your Franchise Quarterback because you know that when you find yours, you’re likely to get that ring.| dating, girls, humor, NFL, women