The puking sounds you’re about to hear will be coming from the Arizona Cardinals. They just had one of the wildest playoff experiences in NFL history, culminating in an epic Super Bowl that was decided in—what for them—was a gut-wrenching final few seconds. No doubt, Arizona’s unlikely run through last year’s postseason was “a good time” for the ages. But tomorrow morning is about to arrive, which means so is the hangover.

You might be inclined to refute this team’s susceptibility to a Super Bowl hangover. Don’t. Sure, the Cardinals have a future Hall of Fame quarterback in Kurt Warner. Yes, they have the game’s most acrobatic––and arguably best––wide receiver in Larry Fitzgerald. And a superstar No. 2 receiver in Anquan Boldin. And yes, the core of their defense returns. And yes, Ken Whisenhunt has instilled a winning mindset in the Bidwell Family’s once perpetually-pathetic organization.

It doesn’t matter. The Super Bowl hangover is the real deal. It’s a football nightmare––an amalgamation of injuries, ego clashes, apathy and miscellaneous bad luck. It will strike the Cardinals because it strikes every Super Bowl loser the following year. Just ask the powerhouse Patriots, who missed the playoffs last season after the indestructible Tom Brady blew out his knee in Week 1. Or ask the eight of nine Super Bowl losers before New England who all missed the playoffs the following season.

None of those Super Bowl losers were as ripe for a hangover as this Cardinals team. For starters, we forget that Arizona really wasn’t that great in 2008. They finished the regular season with a 9-7 record that, with blowout losses at the hands of the Jets (35-56), Eagles (20-48), Vikings (14-35) and Patriots (7-47), felt more like 5-11. They showed a dreadful lack of focus and character in those lopsided defeats––or, to put it in affirmative terms, an extraordinary penchant for complacency.

Now they enter 2009 as a team laced with big-name veterans who are unhappy with their contracts. Anquan Boldin did not get the trade he demanded and remains stuck in a deal that doesn’t expire until after the 2010 season. Boldin, who replaced agent Drew Rosenhaus with Tom Condon, stayed away from virtually all offseason activities. So did Darnell Dockett (a current Rosenhaus client). The All-Pro yet occasional underachieving defensive tackle (depending on what week you catch him) is yearning to be unshackled from the remaining three years of his contract.

Star inside linebacker Karlos Dansby was in the same camp as Boldin and Dockett until he decided that he actually didn’t mind banking about $9 million as a franchise tag recipient for a second consecutive year. But observers believe Dansby is dead set on becoming a free agent in 2010, when the NFL will likely be without a salary cap. Perhaps he’ll play inspired football. Or, maybe he’ll play selfish football.

Dansby’s fellow linebacker, Bertrand Berry, is also in a contract year, though it’s one he just signed. Berry had to settle for a one-year deal that pays near the veteran minimum after originally rejecting the team’s larger offer and unsuccessfully testing the free agent market. Berry also kept his distance during most of the offseason.

But perhaps these situations aren’t that big of deal. After all, Boldin was upset all of last season, and Dockett has also been through this same charade before. Both still performed like stars. This past offseason, Kurt Warner wasn’t happy with the front office’s original lowball contract offers, but he got over it, signing for $23 million over two years. Adrian Wilson was also displeased before the team offered him a five-year, $39 million contract. In other words, pro football is a business.

But the Super Bowl hangover has always been about a combination of factors. The Cardinals are also moving forward without rising offensive coordinator Todd Haley (the vocal practice leader and playcaller became the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs) and without defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast, who was fired after his unit ranked 28^th in scoring and in the red zone last season. Haley is being replaced by three men from within: Whisenhunt, who will call plays like he did in ’07; offensive line coach Russ Grimm, who will guide the running game; receivers coach Mike Miller, who will oversee the passing attack. Pendergast’s duties will be assumed by former linebackers coach Bill Davis.

Then there is the issue of expectations and having that big target on your back. It’s a vague thing, but something this traditionally-unsuccessful franchise has never had to deal with. The Cardinals are lucky to be playing in a second-rate division, though all three other NFC West teams got markedly better over the offseason.

But let’s say you don’t believe in the Super Bowl hangover. Let’s say you shun voodoo or karma or, in this case, blatant historical evidence. Fine. The Cardinals still won’t make the playoffs in 2009. Why? Because, as you’re about to read, they’re simply not good enough.

Offense

It would have been extremely hard to believe three years ago that Arizona would enter the 2009 season strongly dependent on quarterback Kurt Warner, and not first-round pick Matt Leinart. Though Ken Whisenhunt promised his former Steeler free agent quarterback Brian St. Pierre an opportunity to compete for Leinart’s No. 2 job, it’s said that Whisenhunt and his staff have been impressed with the former Heisman winner’s work ethic and development as of late. Still, this offense hinges on Warner. The 38-year-old has recaptured the accuracy and precision that once made him the most dangerous pocket passer in football.

Arizona’s frequent use of the shotgun––nearly 69 percent of Warner’s 598 pass attempts last season were from this formation––affords Warner a wide-angled view of the defense. This, accentuated by the 12^th-year veteran’s nearly-flawless presnap diagnostic skills, enables the spread-out Cardinals to execute myriad quick-striking passes, a tactic that not only masks the deficiencies of an average offensive line but also limits a defense’s ability to double-team Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.

This offense simply can’t function without its superstar receivers. Fitzgerald is the most fluid big-play threat in the game, while Boldin is as rugged and effective inside as anyone. Arizona’s slot receiver, third-year speedster Steve Breaston, capitalizes on the attention paid to the stars by absolutely burning opponents down the seams. Last year, Breaston became just the fifth No. 3 receiver in NFL history to register 1,000 yards.

The tight ends in this offense are less involved in the passing game than even the fourth and fifth wide receivers (Jerheme Urban and Early Doucet). Leonard Pope is the most physically-imposing of the bunch, though his struggles with comprehending the playbook could mean more reps for long-armed blocker Anthony Becht or athletic but injury-prone Ben Patrick (who is suspended the first four games for performance-enhancing drugs).

The Cardinals reached the Super Bowl with the league’s 32^nd-ranked ground game last season, though Whisenhunt, a power-minded offensive coach, would prefer to employ a two-back rushing attack viable enough to at least warrant 25-28 carries a game. (Last year, Arizona called fewer than 20 run plays per game.) Beanie Wells was drafted in the first round to team with last year’s fifth-round pick, Tim Hightower. Both players are young and show some promise, but neither is especially fast. Wells, strictly a runner at Ohio State, must become adept in the passing game. Hightower needs to hit his holes with far more decisiveness. Perhaps working behind the lead-blocks of former Steeler fullback Dan Kreider will help.

The front five is actually not a bad run-blocking unit. Guards Reggie Wells and Deuce Lutui both offer good mobility, and Lyle Sendlein might be the fastest center to ever play the game. (The hyperbole in that statement is not as thick as you think.) Sendlein, however, like Lutui, must improve his pass protection. (Bull-rushers give Sendlein major problems; Lutui’s technique has a habit of breaking down.)

On the edges, right tackle Levi Brown is a mean streak away from being a Pro Bowler. When he’s the aggressor, the 322-pounder exerts resounding strength. Left tackle Mike Gandy embodies everything about a solid veteran starter. The depth at tackle––and the rest of the line, for that matter––is questionable. Coaches like fifth-round rookie Herman Johnson, and fifth-year veteran Elton Brown can play multiple spots, but neither invoke confidence as starters.

Defense

Whisenhunt seemed to acknowledge that his defense’s magical postseason run was aided by a few fortuitous turnovers when he fired defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast in February. Pendergast’s replacement, Bill Davis, will reshape the front seven into a purer 3-4 alignment. That’s all well and good, but no matter how the Cardinals line up, they’re going to be without a feared pass-rusher.

Aging veterans Bertrand Berry and Chike Okeafor are the primary quarterback chasers on the outside. Neither would start for most teams. Both play hard and are adept against the run, but as their ho-hum 9.5 combined sacks a year ago illustrate, both lack an explosive first step. Clark Haggans can bring speed off the edge, but he suffers from a dire lack of creativity. Second-round rookie Cody Brown was a productive pass-rusher at Penn State, but he’s making the adjustment from defensive end to linebacker.

Certainly Davis will have to manufacture pressure through convoluted blitz packages. Expect strong safety Adrian Wilson to be the focal point, with inside linebacker Karlos Dansby also playing a significant part. Wilson and Dansby are both fast, versatile, hard-hitting playmakers who have improved their leadership and become far and away the two most valuable players on this defense. Both are sublime pass-defenders in their own right, though their contributions against the run are more resounding.

When Dansby’s clicking, inside linebacker Gerald Hayes tends to take a back seat. The seventh-year pro occasionally exhibits slow play recognition. But when Hayes spots the ball––which, to be fair, is more often than not––he flies to the point of attack.

Hayes, who struggles creating action if blockers touch him, will take a keen interest in the developments at nose tackle. If raw talent ruled the day, third-year man Alan Branch would easily have the job. However, Branch has battled weight issues and unprofessionalism, which is why he’s liable to wind up behind slow-twitch veteran Bryan Robinson and maybe even former Michigan teammate Gabe Watson (who is well-sized but has fought injuries).

Darnell Dockett, when enthused, is this defense’s best interior lineman. But at 285 pounds, he lacks the girth to occupy two gaps. Thus, he’ll rely on his quick hands and tenacity at the right defensive end position opposite lanky second-year athlete Calais Campbell. Antonio Smith will certainly be missed, especially given that the only decent reserve at end is Kenny Iwebema, an underdeveloped but intriguing prospect who is aiming to bounce back from an offseason in which a tumor was successfully removed from his chest.

Offsetting the somewhat disconcerting questions in the front seven is the fact that this is one of the fastest-rising secondaries in football. Adrian Wilson’s presence surely helps, though much of the credit goes to sensational second-year star Domonique Rodgers-Cromartie. A cover corner in the truest sense, “DRC” potentially gives the Cardinals the rare shutdown prowess that can eliminate half a field for opposing passers. The fact that DRC is superb in deep coverage means rangy free safety Antrel Rolle can focus on being a ballhawk. Rolle’s transition from corner to centerfield has gone quite well, in large part because he’s improved his tackling.

Opposite DRC is former Steeler Bryant McFadden, a middle-tier starter who doesn’t quite have the ball skills of predecessor Rod Hood. Ralph Brown is the No. 3 cornerback, though Arizona plans to slide Rolle into the slot in nickel situations and use at free safety either firm-hitting but reactionary Aaron Francisco or rookie Rashad Johnson (a prospect the front office didn’t target but couldn’t resist in Round Three). Both men are sure to see action in dime packages, with Wilson sliding down to linebacker.

Special Teams

Arizona’s kick and punt coverage units must improve on rankings of 30 from a year ago. The Cardinals’ ineptitude in these departments is somewhat surprising considering that Neil Rackers has a big foot on kickoffs and Ben Graham is a decent placement punter. (Rackers is also outstanding on field goals.) Steve Breaston has the speed of a return stud, but he doesn’t actually produce big plays. It’s not unfathomable that seventh-round rookie running back LaRod Stephens-Howling will get a shot in the return game.

Bottom Line

If people didn’t know Arizona had gone to the Super Bowl last season, absolutely no one would be regarding the Cardinals as serious contenders in the NFC. Yes, the passing game is fabulous––fabulous enough to overcome a lethargic rushing attack. But the defense lacks firepower up front and depth overall. With the distractions that come from trying to re-enter the Super Bowl spotlight, expect this team to slip in 2009.

Predicted finish: 2^nd NFC West